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After the Baby: Making Sense of Marriage After Childbirth, by Rhonda Nordin
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Conversational and practical, After the Baby teaches couples about the natural progression of their marriage as it expands to include children. An essential guide for strengthening marriage while becoming parents, it offers both help and hope for building better families.
- Sales Rank: #1381637 in eBooks
- Published on: 2000-04-01
- Released on: 2012-08-21
- Format: Kindle eBook
From Publishers Weekly
While having a baby is often presumed to be one of the most profoundly joyful and intimate events in a marriage, this refreshing book examines the emotional upheaval that usually comes with it. Having interviewed more than 200 couples repeatedly over a 10-year period, Nordin reminds us that the birth of a child--even if it's a second or third child--plunges a couple into new rhythms, roles and responsibilities. The convergence of physical and emotional changes, sleep deprivation, constant child care, increased housework and worry over new financial responsibilities often results in "frequent disagreements, an emotional distance, and a stalemate to cooperation" between new parents. With less time and energy for each other and themselves, Nordin contends, new parents frequently lose both the sexual and emotional intimacy they previously enjoyed, at a time when they most need to pull together. These challenges, and unrealistic assumptions, end many marriages in the early years of parenthood. Offering hope that parenthood can provide "opportunities for growth and a deepening of the marital commitment," Nordin examines many common issues in detail with concrete examples for resolving them. Her weakest chapter relies on dubious scare tactics to steer couples away from divorce, lest their children's lives be ruined forever. Her strongest argument, reserved for a brief last chapter, is that the long-term rewards and benefits of weathering storms in the parenting process ultimately outweigh the growing pains and sacrifices made along the way. (May)
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.
From Library Journal
Child advocate Nordin interviewed more than 200 sets of parents and 100 professionals for this study, which pinpoints the physical and emotional changes that occur in couples after having a baby. Stresses like money shortages and physical exhaustion are also covered. Using examples from her interviews, Nordin examines changes in intimacy, communication, and sex. The final third of the book offers helpful suggestions for dealing with these changes. Although she discusses divorce as an overly frequent outcome, Nordin strongly urges couples to deal with challenges as they arise and find the strength to honor their commitment to their marriage and children. Dwenda K. Gjerdingen (family practice, Univ. of Minnesota Medical Sch., St. Paul) wrote a foreword and provides medical advice. This will certainly interest new parents and those about to become parents. Recommended for public libraries.
-Kay L. Brodie, Chesapeake Coll., Wye Mills, MD
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.
Review
Nordin's book offers warm, realistic support when and where you need it most. (L.A. Parent Magazine)
Most helpful customer reviews
3 of 10 people found the following review helpful.
Stereotypes aren't useful
By Real Reader
This book was a disappointment. The author is so deeply entrenched in gender stereotyping that she offers advice like this: "Praise your partner's strengths. If your husband does a good job quieting the baby, tell him so. If your wife demonstrates selflessness and patience as she cares for the baby, let her know you admire or appreciate those qualities" (33). Thus, the father gets praise for quieting the baby, but the mother must be "selfless" and "patient" in order to earn praise. Even my husband laughed heartily at this one! I was, frankly, shocked that a book written in 2000 could offer advice based on such simplistic male/female gender divisions. Sure, it acknowledges that new parents are exhausted and that marriage is a challenge, but it offered no advice I found useful.
10 of 10 people found the following review helpful.
A Must Read for New and Parents To Be
By Paul Kruse
This is an awesome book and should be read by anyone that either has young children or is considering starting a family. It covers everything from how your feelings toward each other may change to getting sex back into your marriage. My wife and I have given this book to many of our pregnant friends and plan to keep copies on hand for just such occasions. We loved the book and know anyone that reads it will enjoy it and understand better what impact your child will have on your life.
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
Don't listen to those who gave 1 star.
By Jacob Connery
For your own sake, don't listen to those who have given a bad review.
They down the book over being "too negative" but it's better you hear about the "negative" from this book than to stick your head in the sand until you get handed divorce papers.
Me and my wife had our first baby 9 years into our marriage. Before the baby we had a strong connection and a fulfilling life/relationship. We both had friends, fun, good careers, a house and cars, and more money than we needed, but we were missing something. We wanted a baby, and so we had one.
We are so happy we had our baby. She is such a good kid and we love her so much. However...
Although a baby is a WELCOME intrusion in your life and relationship, it IS still an intrusion, and it has a huge impact on everything. Before the baby you are lovers, but after it you are parents. Your role is different, your spouse's role is different, and you will have all kinds of complicated psychological reactions to it. What do you think of when you envision the word "mother" or "father" compared to the word "woman" or "man"? You will look at yourself differently and your partner as well, whether you want to or not.
You will not be willing to neglect your baby.
If you must neglect something because you are so tired, busy, emotionally drained, etc, etc, it will be yourself and your partner. If you have love and attention to give, it will go to the baby first and your partner will get the leftovers. Not only will you prioritize it this way, but you will feel like this is the "right" way to be. Before we had our baby we even told each other we would put each other first. That unrealistic pledge couldn't survive past the birth. Psychology is a sneaky one.
Six months ago my wife and I had gotten so distant that our flame of love was just a flicker in the dark. We had spent time together, done nothing to wrong each other, not (intentionally) hurt each other, but had become disconnected anyway. It was not a matter of time spent together, fighting, etc, etc. It was simply that we had allowed our baby to take center stage in our lives and we were left straining to hear each other across the space between. We never thought it could happen to us. No one did. Our relationship had become ashes with maybe one little spark of love smoldering beneath. In our hearts we blamed each other. That's when I read this book and we discovered what we were going through was normal.
Flash forward to now. My baby is now a 2.5yr little girl, and just the thought of her fills me with joy and wonder. It always has. We made it through that time, and although divorce papers never came out, it came close. Relationships take a lot of nurturing, and the more under-nourished you are the less you can give of yourself to nurture it. So it was hard to reconnect but we gave it everything we had left, refocussed on each other, and brought that pheonix out of the ashes. We are happy and healthy again.
I truly beleive without this book we would be a broken family today. We would have kept blaming each other and been hurt and bitter.
When I read this book, page after page I was just thinking, "That's so true, that's so true." I was also thinking, "God I wish I had read this sooner."
This book is not anti-baby. It is anti-"broken family". We have all seen MANY relationships broken by the first baby. This book tells you what is happening to you and your relationship so you have a chance to address it. It doesn't go too far into telling you HOW to address it, but how to address it is the easy part. When people run into problems is when they don't even know there is something to address, or the nature of the problem. The disconnection that occurs from a baby is something you won't realize until it is too late, and you will probably never "blame" the baby. I mean, how can you blame a baby?
Sure, some couples won't have any problems, but I don't think that is the norm. If you know a couple that has had a baby, or is having a baby, make sure they read this. You will probably save their future relationship.
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